Couldn’t resist playing with the blog title to make it similar to a certain reality tv show (that I DON’T watch, by the way – I actually don’t watch that much tv at all).
Anyway, I realized that I have spent a little time so far on this blog with all the people in my life except my HUSBAND. Since I’ve only been blogging 11 days, I don’t feel quite so bad, but I thought I would rectify the situation, before guilt set in.
I am grateful for my husband for a whole lot of reasons, mostly that he’s willing to LIVE with me. I am NOT an easy person to live with (he isn’t either, but I think I’m harder). I don’t talk a lot. I keep a lot inside. I was brought up not to air dirty laundry even inside my own house. I spent a lot of time when I was growing up silently trying to figure people out, and work around them. And when I’m having a bout with depression, that silence grows exponentially. A very good friend of mine has described me as one of the most stoic people she’s ever met. My psychiatrist describes me as shut up tight like a drum – so shut up that times I really don’t know what the hell I’m feeling. But I’m learning.
Now, my husband is a talker. He talks about everything. If he thinks it he speaks it, sometimes with very little filter with me, cause he trusts me. Sometimes he’ll say a certain thing one minute, then contradict himself the next, only because he’s “thinking out loud.” It drives me crazy. At the same time he gets VERY frustrated with me because he doesn’t know what’s going on in my head, and I feel for him there. I may get frustrated with him for not shutting up, but at least with him I know what’s going on. This is why I said “I’m harder.”
We celebrate our 19th anniversary at the end of this month, and that amazes me. We’ve come through some traumatic and wonderful times. The writer Glennon Melton has invented a new word – BRUTIFUL. It’s a combination of “brutal” and “beautiful.” And that’s been us. Depression, death, autism, financial stress, and managing our very different personalities has been brutal. The birth of our three children, watching them grow, laughter, watching us serve one another, late night cuddles, playing name that tune on the 80’s station has been beautiful.
He grew up in a wonderful, loving, stable family. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it for myself. He has helped me learn what a normal family looks and acts like (not a “perfect” family, there’s no such thing, but normal).
We compliment each other. Sometimes that “complimenting” is HARD work. As we both get defensive about leaving our comfort zones to understand one another. Me forcing myself to talk, him to stop.
He is one of the most sincere, kindest people I have ever met. He is sweet, and deeply loyal. He worries all the time, because he loves so much.
It’s been quite a “brutiful” journey so far. Nineteen years and counting…