Where the hell have you been?

I haven’t really written in the last few weeks.  Sermons.  A rant.  A cute post about Easter traditions.  But nothing truly from the heart.  Mostly because I’ve honestly felt dry, like I had nothing useful to say, and that was a little frightening.  I have felt depression gaining ground, mostly because I have felt “flat” – like I’m going through the motions with not a lot of affect.  I’m also starting to “cocoon,” my word for drawing into myself.  My doctor and I are keeping a close eye on things to make sure they don’t get worse.

I can basically trace it back to receiving my autistic daughter’s triennial evaluations, which I wrote about here).  They were really no surprise, but for some reason they shook me to the core.  I haven’t felt the same since.  I think it’s because as she’s getting older the reality is hitting that she may never live independently, and there are a lot of things I need to start planning regarding her future.  Not today or tomorrow, but soon.

In addition to the evaluations, we had the autism conversation with my daughter.  She handled it very well – took it in stride.  I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal to her because she doesn’t really realize just how different she is from other kids her age.  But having it out in the open with her has added another level of “reality hits” to the long-term situation.

And we’ve been having some problems with our oldest daughter, which will have to be a whole different post I’m afraid.  Too much to deal with that I’m still trying to process.  For now I’ll just say that I love all my kids, but sometimes being a parent just plain sucks and is confusing as hell.

This is where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m hoping to climb out of…

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