big things in little packages

So the medication is starting to kick in again, which is good.  VERY good.  It still amazes me how the littlest things can set me off though.  Last week my husband and I had to have a rough conversation about money (specifically the lack of it) and I just wanted to cry and hide for days.  I needed him to comfort and hold me and tell me he still loved me even though he was angry – but when he’s angry that’s the LAST thing he wants to do!  To my credit, I made myself explain to him why I needed to be held (because I’m the quiet pondering type afraid of rejection), and to his credit even though he didn’t want to he did (because when he’s angry and stressed physical contact of any kind is the LAST thing on his mind).  We’re working this marriage thing!

It’s also amazing that after all my years and hard work in therapy that I still associate anger with lack of love.  What the hell is up with that?  Of course it’s possible to be angry with someone and still love them!  Of course it’s possible to be angry with someone and not think of leaving.  But to me anger still looks a lot like hatred, and it’s hard for me to distinguish in the heat of the moment that they are two VERY different things.  Depression makes it all the harder to see that.  I’m not liking myself very much right now, and I’m feeling very raw, so of course you must really not like me, and this incident is just proof.  Even though you’ve been married to me for T W E N T Y years…

Alright, so maybe the thing with my husband wasn’t such a “little” thing after all.  Maybe it was a big thing wrapped in a small package – a money conversation that exploded the bomb of my abandonment fears.  Gotta watch out for those big things in little packages, they can sneak up on you and knock you over if you’re not careful, especially when you’re just starting to stabilize on your meds.  Problem is that the little package looks so innocent, no big deal.  There’s no label on it that says, “Pandora’s box.”

So the medication is starting to kick in again, which is a good…


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